NEEDINESSI've written elsewhere about the difficulty of coming to terms with an abusive past. Since then, I've certainly come a long way. For instance, I am now a volunteer counsellor with the DC Rape Crisis Center. When I was in my lowest point in life I reached out to the three people I felt I could trust and open up to. My neighbor slammed her door in my face. My ex-girlfriend hung up on me. Another simply stood mute. As I was crying in front of them asking for their help, I could not understand why these people who had told me they cared about me were so filled with scorn and disdain. I can come up with endless theories but, far more importantly, what I see now is that I need to feel compassion for myself. I am working on getting over the need to be loved; that awful, destructive neediness which leads to a blubbering expression of insecurities. No one can fulfill that but myself. I meditate on cause-and-effect and on compassion for myself and for others. I let go of neediness.
