DESIRE
I learned how to love too late. By then she was gone into the sands of time.
There is no question that through her I believed in love at first sight. I loved her the moment I saw her. It was an odd twist of fate that brought us together.
I had decided to learn about art and so started a subscription to ArtNews. She had placed an ad for a painting in the first issue I received. I went to the gallery to look - and there she was.
I still love her and always will. I haven't dated since her. I realize that most people won't understand, but let me share a secret with you: most people don't love beyond their ego.
With her I was set free. For one shining moment, with her I truly lived.
When my relationship ended I was in deep pain; I didn't want it to end but to evolve to a higher level of intimacy and understanding.
The hardest thing was to believe in another person and yet to not be able to effectively communicate and to convince them to share the same vision. I misguidedly pounded my head against the wall trying to communicate, communicate, communicate.
What has helped me finally, was coming to an understanding of the Buddhist saying: "Form is emptiness, emptiness is form." The core meaning here is that all is transitory. She was the person I knew; she was never the person I knew....she is who I knew, she is someone different.
In other words, the concept of any person's "self" is simply an illusion. I clung to that "self" of her that I knew and profoundly loved, not understanding that, in fact, it no longer exists and really only existed as an illusion.
And from this I learned, always appreciate the moment.
Here is a link explaining the concept of emptiness in Buddhism:
http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/emptiness.html
"Marvelously, Love squeezes me tight and holds me all the time, as a painter locks his gaze on a model to make a painted likeness, so fair lady do I, who within my heart carry your face." (from a Renaissance poet)
I still physically feel the pain of love and loss for her. I see why I loved her: she's one in a million. Of course there's a part of her I'll never know.
I am not an angry person and am scared of her relentless anger towards me. I feel compassion for her, for whatever root cause of her pain she carries, the basis for the anger which is projected onto me.
But, sometimes, for no reason at all, I'll involuntarily say her name.... A plea or a prayer? It goes unanswered, either way. I meditate on releasing desire.
