IGNORANCEIn The Connected Discourses on Causation, (a section of The Connected Discourse of the Buddha -copyright Wisdom Publications, 2000) the Buddha said:
"...I will teach you dependent origination. With ignorance as condition, volitional formations come to be; with volitional formations as condition, consciousness; with consciousness as condition, name-and-form; with name and form as condition, the six sense bases; with the six sense bases as condition, contact; with contact as condition, feeling; with feeling as condition, craving; with craving as condition clinging; with clinging as condition, existence; with existence as condition, birth; with birth as condition, aging-and-death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, displeasure and despair. Such is the origin of suffering. This is called dependent origination."
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The great revelation by the Buddha is that ignorance is the basis of suffering. It would be easy for me to complain about the ignorance of others, but as I have awoken I've found that my ignorance is so great as to be the only ignorance worthy of my focus. Years ago, a former girlfriend ended a relationship by sending me a one sentence email at work which read: "I don't know why but our relationship is over, don't contact me again." Emotionally, this was like experiencing the suicide of another. What remained was overwhelming guilt and the unanswered question: "why?". I wrote to ask what happened which resulted in a torment of anger. This weekend I came to the realization that I had burdened her too much with my own needs and was insensitive to hers. These many years later I sent her an email saying that I could be a positive and supportive person for her, should she wish.
And now I live in total terror and fear. I don't know what possessed me to write her. I had a dream that she called the militia to arrest me and to burn me at the stake for that transgression. Such is her anger towards me that that may only be a minor exaggeration. I must have unconsciously known that would be her reaction. Thus, I can only fathom that I wrote out of a deep sense of self-loathing. Why would I continue to reach out to a person who hates me? What is it about myself that looks for contact with people who don't want me? I think the answer is ignorance. I have taken forms of my past - the actions and words of others who in my childhood told me that I am worthless - and incorporated these into my own identity. The Buddha's words that, "form is emptiness and emptiness is form" help me here. I see the form I have manufactured of my own image as one created in ignorance, causing my current suffering (fear and terror). If I can see that this form I've created is mere emptiness (not real but an image of the mind), I can release my ignorance in this regard. I believe it is a life-long process but have made this a current focus of my meditation practice. Today I wait for the call of the militia; her "J'accuse!" (as Zola wrote). I take refuge in the Buddha.
