Week 32

LACK OF SELF-CONFIDENCE

As an adult I've heard two things consistently enough that I know they must be true: I have beautiful eyes and I lack confidence. It took me a long time to figure out what confidence is. Throughout my childhood I was told in words and actions that I was worthless and stupid. This never quite rang true because I had enough insight and sensitivity to discern that the adults who conveyed this message were profoundly disturbed. But, inevitably, the power structure was so imbalanced, and the barrage of negativity so relentless, that I began to hate myself and believe that I didn't deserve to be happy. A consequence was that I kept breaking off relationships and became increasingly isolated. Finally, though I met an amazing woman who told me she loved me.

The cycle repeated itself where I began to pull away, thinking I didn't deserve to be happy. But, midstream I stopped. I called her up to explain it all, to reveal my dark childhood and to ask her support in my moving forward. I was sure she believed in me since for nearly two years we had had a completely peaceful relationship where she had repeatedly told me that she loved me. Her response, however, was devastating.

She laughed and hung up. I thought there must be a misunderstanding so I determined to persist in trying to communicate in a positive and constructive way. She told her friends to cut off all contact with me. Talk about a spiral of despair! For the first time in my life I allowed myself to believe that I could in fact be loved and the rug was pulled right out from me! It was a painful road to move ahead in the face of her reaction. Her friends, one of whom is unfortunately my neighbor, virtually spit at me when I walk by.

The DC Rape Crisis Center, Meditation and Tibetan Buddhism saved me. Her actions have some cause - I don't know what. I have compassion for her because she can't see her own pain and thus doesn't know herself. I have let go of dysfunctional relationships which were reflections of my own self-loathing But I've learned there is hope to heal, and for me to love - and to forgive - in the face of adversity.